How tough does it have to be not to be “nice?”
Well, it can be… for the exact reasons any
dating science personality change can be hard. What
we’re doing in our approach is calibrating specific
aspects of our personality.
So, let’s say you were like I was ten years ago…
and you need to be “less nice.” Well, how much less?
How do we know when we’re right?
And here’s a potential problem. If you could map every
attribute of your personality from 1-10, you could probably
figure out a good level for each trait, and its
unfrequently to the extreme. Even among the eight attraction triggers
talked about in Magic Bullets (the 8 traits that
all girls react to, no matter who you -or they-
are), you can go too far.
Take confidence, for example. Being an eight out of ten or a nine out
of ten regarding confidence is awesome. Being 10 out of 10 is…
a little bit weird. Women might find that intimidating, or
assume you are covering something up or are weird or inhuman
in some way.
So, being nice or nicer works the same way. Imagine you created a range in which
“nice” was a “one” and “jerk” was a “ten”, you may wanna be
around a six to an eight. [Don't take the actual numbers too seriously;
this is to illustrate an idea.] And a lot of “nice guys” are
around a 3.
What happens a lot is that guys experiment with being more of a
jerk. They get some results. They push a bit more. They get more
great results. Then inexplicably, some women start having negative
reactions.
What really went on is this “guy” is hitting a nine or a
ten on the scale. However it is very difficult to see this, because most guys
are subconciously or even consciously changing how they show themselves
along a bunch of different dimensions. So the guy who is being less
nice is also using the Emotional Progression Model from Magic Bullets
and delivering great routines. For the most part, he’s improving with
women, but this overall improvement masks the fact that he’s gone
too far in 1 section.
This goes on all the time, it is almost impossible for the majority of people to actually
self-analyze what they are doing right and wrong.
So, is the lesson that people sometimes take good dating advice to
an extreme? No… that would be much more obvious and shorter.
My point is actually quite different: if you are learning on your
own, you SHOULD take new techniques to an extreme. For example:
-Touching/kino: be the creepy overly-touchy guy for a while.
-Closing; attempt to get the girl to go home with you everytime you approach.
-Too quiet/too passive: be the crazy dancing monkey.
-And so on…
In my view, and i have personally taught 100′s of men in the last 5
years, this includes a ton of guys who have progressed to the instructor level-
most men need to learn the range of useful behavior. Moreover, you
need to develop an instinctive feel for it. You need to get used to
the signs you get when you’re {being too nice~{the clues you receive when you are acting too nice}~the signals you get when you’re being too nice}. You must get used to
the signals you receive when you are acting like too much of a jerk. You need to be
able to recognize these early, when you’re only a little bit outside of
the ideal range, so you can calibrate back into it quickly. With practice
and experimentation, this will come naturally.
You most likely do this already. Let’s use the example of just talking
to a friend. You know what the ideal volume range is from experience.
However if you wind up outside of that range- like you have just gotten off
the plane and your ears are plugged and you don’t realize how loudly
you are talking – you will quickly and instinctively give yourself the
feedback you have to have to change… often without thinking about it.
When you are very loud, you will probably see people looking in your
direction more than usual, you might notice your friend shifting his
head back and looking less relaxed, or you might feel a difference in
your chest. When you are not making enough noise, your buddy will move in closer to hear
you, it might seem like the guy is paying attention to what you are saying more
than average, and so on. All of these are feedback mechanisms that let
you change your behavior. And they work, because you have lots of
experience with being too loud or too quiet in normal social situations
and have found out how to change the way you present yourself.
Learn exactly how to tell when you are doing too much or not enough of
something by being conscious of what results to expect when
you do.
Let’s apply this to niceness. What do you think are signs that you’re
being too kind?
-She chats about other guys when you’re around.
-She is comfortable touching you or being touched, but there’s
no sexuality behind it
-She wishes her boyfriend (or more men in general) were more like you.
-She isn’t dressed up/looking good when she meets you(unless you happen to be going out
somewhere).
-She takes calls from other men around you.
[This isn't a checklist. None of these necessarily mean you are too nice,
and not all of these signs may appear even when you are being too nice.]
Similarly, there are some common signs to be aware of when you are
being too much of a jerk:
-She calls you an “asshole” or “mean” (without smiling). A girl can call
you a jerk, evil, a player, or bad news and still be incredibly attracted to
you. Or she can call you anything while smiling. But most women will not
call you an asshole or tell you that you’re mean and actually want you.
Some words have more power than others with women; this is something we
sometimes get to in my advanced 1-1s and phone coaching.
-She’s not comfortable being alone with you.
-You’re teasing her or “negging” her and it used to get a positive response
but is now getting a negative one.
With any change you make, take it to both extremes (too much and too little)
and get accustomed to where the boundary lines are.
As a more advanced thought, if you’re trying to be less of the “nice guy,”
I have had much more success showing guys how to be selfish rather than jerks.”
When you are a jerk, you intentionally put another person down. When
you are selfish, doing what you want first. And that’s the problem
for most “nice guys.” They put other peoples’ needs and wants above their own.
I am not saying guys should be selfish for no good reason. Remember to just do this if you’re
seeing the usual nice/good guy reactions from girls. End or change plans when you do not feel
like going out or something more interesting comes up. With in reason, do not
offer to pick her up, drive her home, etc. Dates should be things that you’d
love doing either way- this doesn’t matter if you are normally too nice or not,
and Chapter 17 (Dates) of Magic Bullets explains why. When you’re faced with
a conclusion, ask your mind what a very selfish guy would do. And so on.
Finally, a major problem that most “nice guys” have is a fear of approaching women
which also goes by the name of approach anxiety. Figuring out exactly how to cure your approach
anxiety will lessen the amount of women that see you as a “nice” guy. If
this is a problem for you and you would like to get it taken care of in less than 30
days,
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