Twilight mums want more fantastic sex lives

Forbidden fruit: Twilight's Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, played by Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, can't get too close.

My friend Sarah looked me in the eye with an intensity I have rarely seen in the many years I have known her.

Then she confessed: 'I have a secret. I am in love with a 17-year-old vampire called Edward Cullen. I think about him . . . dream about him. I have his photo on my desk, and his picture is my computer screensaver.'

Worryingly, not only did I immediately know who she was talking about, but I heard myself declaring (several octaves higher than my normal speaking voice): 'I know! How amazing was it when he growled at the werewolf and protected Bella from the red-eyed vampire?'

Broad appeal: It's not just screaming teenagers who have fallen for Edward Cullen


My friend Sarah looked me in the eye with an intensity I have rarely seen in the many years I have known her.

Then she confessed: 'I have a secret. I am in love with a 17-year-old vampire called Edward Cullen. I think about him . . . dream about him. I have his photo on my desk, and his picture is my computer screensaver.'

Worryingly, not only did I immediately know who she was talking about, but I heard myself declaring (several octaves higher than my normal speaking voice): 'I know! How amazing was it when he growled at the werewolf and protected Bella from the red-eyed vampire?'

Yes, I admit it. I, too, love the Twilight books, which chart the romance between a vampire boy and a human girl. Initially, I read them as a way to bond with my 16-year-old god-daughter, who adores them, but then just because I found the novels so fascinating.

Yet neither Sarah nor I are teenagers, the target age-group the books, and now the films (the third in the series premieres in Britain today), were aimed at.

Far from it. Sarah's 38. She's happily married, a successful head of PR at a major advertising firm in London and has two beautiful children.

Meanwhile, I am a 38-year-old well-respected psychologist, who has been married for 11 years and has a seven-year-old daughter.

Yet it appears that Sarah and I are not the only professional, well-educated women and mothers who have fallen for Twilight's charms.

According to an American website set up for, and run by, adoring grown-up Twilight fans, there are millions of us across the globe.

So why does this far-fetched, supernatural, often twee story appeal to women like me?

As a psychologist, I think the reason may be that at its heart, the saga captures something we've all experienced and remember fondly: pure, untainted puppy love.

The hero of the Twilight books is Edward Cullen, a 107-year-old vampire trapped for eternity in his 17-year-old body.

It's important to note here that although 17, he has the impeccable manners and mannerisms of someone much older, thus making him easy to relate to, whatever your age.

Sexual chemistry: The lack of sex but bubbling anticipation in the books and films is a world away from the predictable loves lives of middle-aged mums


It's a world away from the more predictable love lives we have now, often with long-term partners, where there's no anticipation and romance has long been replaced by the reality of raising a family and running a household.

More significantly, these books have become a big hit among teens just when we are seeing a surge in the hypersexualisation of teenagers and children.

In a time where sexual bullying, teen partner violence and teen pregnancy are concerning clinicians and policy-makers alike, these books are a testament to the fact that we should be discussing romance and intimacy when we talk to young people about sex.

What these books remind us (it's surely no coincidence the author is a Mormon, a religious order whose members don't believe in pre-marital sex) is that the anticipation of sex and the joy of romance are often the most exciting parts of the whole process.

And that is probably why these books are so successful. Because while we can all appreciate the physical attraction of sex, we also need to be able to savour the intimacy, passion and romance that is so often by-passed by over-zealous teens or super-busy parents.


He lives with his morally righteous vampire family in a small town in a north-western U.S. state. They feed on animal, not human, blood and because they have abstained from typical murderous vampire behaviour, they have managed to remain undiscovered.

But then Edward falls in love with high school student Bella Swan. (I think it's a significant part of the appeal for my age group that author Stephenie Meyer describes Bella as a 'nurturer' - always putting her needs second to those of others - something mothers can relate to.)

Edward is overwhelmed by his feelings for Bella, and she for him. And as the books unfold, so does the ultimate love story.

While he is desperate to be close to her, if he gets too close there is the risk that he will lose control and bite her - turning her into a vampire too or, worse, killing her.

He wants her to remain human, but she wants to be a vampire like him because otherwise she will grow old while he remains 17 for ever.

Put frankly, for women of my age I think the appeal is sex, or rather the lack of it. The books describe a bubbling journey of anticipation and sexual denial. When they first kiss, the chemistry between them is so electric that Bella nearly passes out and Edward has to throw himself away from her so he doesn't ravage her.

His longing walks a fine line between sexual thirst and, well, literal thirst for her blood.

But such is his desire to protect her from harm that he is tortured by the need to be near her yet also as far away from her as possible. So the reader is in constant anticipation.

This mouth-watering state of sexual frustration harks back to our teenage years when sex wasn't on the menu, when it was about stolen kisses, the odd electrifying touch and hours spent talking on the phone.
Love dilemma: In Twilight Eclipse, Bella wrestles with her decision to become a vampire so she can be with Edward forever


For years, sex and relationship therapists have 'prescribed' staged abstinence from love-making and intercourse in order to help troubled couples increase intimacy and communication.

The premise is that disengaged couples take each other for granted, and so forget to see each other as individuals and how to feel passion. As a result, physical intimacy becomes too mechanical and eventually, well, it feels as though it's not worth the effort.

By making couples think about wanting each other again (and by increasing the gap between mental desire and physical gratification), couples are reminded just how passionate their relationship can be.

What my 'Twilight Mum' friends tell me, with a glint in their eye, is that they believe the books have helped their own sex lives with their husbands.

It encourages them to make time for romance, not just sex. It seems that Stephenie Meyer has tapped into this wisdom, and written a story that reminds the reader (regardless of their age) that the anticipation of something is all part of the gratification you feel when you finally manage to get it.

Unequal Love Across The Color Line

Stories about black women, marriage and interracial relationships have always generated controversy, strong opinions and stereotyped assumptions. Just this week Dr Laura took a call from a black female caller married to a white man who wanted to know how to handle ignorant and racist remarks from his family and neighbors. Schlessinger said "If you’re that hypersensitive about color and don’t have a sense of humor don’t marry out of your race".

The other day I got a comment from “Brenda” about my High-Achieving Black Women and Marriage: Not Choosing Or Not Chosen? piece in which I supported openness to interracial partners. She said: “was this whole article to help you rationalize why some young stud couldnt be bothered with you?” Wow, not only is she waaaaaaay off, but her comment reminded me of the darts that are also aimed at Asian men when they wonder if they’re being sidelined in love. Black women and Asian men have some things in common in this arena so today I want to dig deeper into interracial relationships and the interesting ground that black women and Asian men share.

Stories about black women, marriage and interracial relationships have always generated controversy, strong opinions and stereotyped assumptions. Just this week Dr Laura took a call from a black female caller married to a white man who wanted to know how to handle ignorant and racist remarks from his family and neighbors. Schlessinger said "If you’re that hypersensitive about color and don’t have a sense of humor don’t marry out of your race".

The other day I got a comment from “Brenda” about my High-Achieving Black Women and Marriage: Not Choosing Or Not Chosen? piece in which I supported openness to interracial partners. She said: “was this whole article to help you rationalize why some young stud couldnt be bothered with you?” Wow, not only is she waaaaaaay off, but her comment reminded me of the darts that are also aimed at Asian men when they wonder if they’re being sidelined in love. Black women and Asian men have some things in common in this arena so today I want to dig deeper into interracial relationships and the interesting ground that black women and Asian men share.

There is no gender gap for white and Latino newlyweds, but nearly a quarter of black men wed someone of a different race or ethnicity in 2008 while only about 9% of black women did. The opposite gender difference was true for Asians. Twice as many Asian female newlyweds out-married as Asian men. And it's not just newlyweds - the same mirror-opposite gender gaps appeared in the full census in 2000 among blacks and Asians. In three quarters of Asian/white marriages the husband was white but in about three quarters of black/white marriages the wife was white.

Steve Sailor found that the interracial gender gap was even sharper for cohabiting black couples. Five times as many black men were living with white women as white men living with black women, and a little over twice as many white men cohabited with Asian women as Asian men cohabited with white women.

When income was factored into a 2000 study1, the authors found that as black male income increased, interracial marriages increased proportionally until at the highest income level ($100,000 and above) nearly 50% of black men were married to non-black women. The same study found (after statistically controlling other factors) that in metropolitan areas in which larger percentages of black men were married to non-black women, black women were less likely to be married than in other cities . So the complaints we hear from black women about their "most eligible" men being "taken" by non-black women are grounded in some real disparities.

No Level Playing Field in Online Dating and Mating

Whether online or face-to-face, mate selection has certainly never been a level playing field. Those in high demand can afford to be pickiest and those in low demand may feel pressured to relax their standards or risk not being chosen (and sometimes staying single is a sweeter option). How does this play out by race?

Since online dating sites have become so widely used we can see how people really choose potential partners versus how they say they do. The OK Cupid blog, user data from their dating website is analyzed in fascinating ways. The good news is, heterosexual daters' profiles reveal that members of all races and ethnicities have essentially equal "match percentages", or degree to which other users have desired responses to their questions. So if race is not a factor in decision-making users should send evenly distributed responses to interested parties of all races. If a same-race partner is preferred, there are equal opportunities for desirable matches.

The bad news is, only responses to black women turned out to be significantly skewed. White, Asian-American, Native American, Latino, Middle Eastern, Pacific Islander and black men all wrote back to African-American women at about a 20% lower rate than they did to all other races and ethnicities! (Yes, even black men sent fewer responses to black women than all other women). At least the Asian guys weren't being given short shrift on this site.

On OK Cupid, black women and white men seemed to be adjusting their standards according to their popularity. Black women received the fewest emails and responded to the most, while White men received the most emails and responded to the fewest. Black, Asian and gay people are disproportionately more likely to use online dating services in general, which could also be in reaction to perceived scarcity of desirable partners using more traditional ways of meeting.

Even though the OK Cupid results reflect the behavior of over a million online daters, each dating site draws somewhat different demographics. OK Cupid has a reputation for attracting a young, nerdy-cool, highly educated crowd. How about more broadly used dating sites? In a Yahoo personals study done at UC Irvine, 91% of members claimed to have no race preference for their matches but white men who dated interracially selected Asian and Latino dating partners significantly more often than black women and Asian men were the least preferred matches for white women. Yup, not a level playing field.

In a speed dating study using Columbia University grad students, white, black and Hispanic women were all far more likely to say no to Asian men than all other men. While various surveys have shown that women in general have a stronger preference than men do for same-race partners, the Asian women in the Columbia sample didn't show a greater preference for Asian men. Black women strongly preferred black men but the black men didn't reciprocate their level of interest to nearly the same degree2.

The same gender difference show up in interracial sex. In a major sex survey of over 3000 people called Sex in America that was done twenty years ago, ten times more single white women than single white men reported that their most recent sex partner was black.

And then there's porn. Asian males are notoriously absent, which could be due to their general lack of interest in participating in these films, but Asian Studies Professor Darrell Hamamoto sees it differently. He was so peeved about what he called the de-sexualization of Asian men in films (in Hollywood as well as porn industry) that he produced his own porn film called Skin on Skin, using an entirely Asian cast. As UCLA professor Russell Leong put it: "Asian men can kick butt, but they can't have a kiss." Reader, I challenge you to count the number of Asian male romantic leads in major American (non martial arts) films on more than one hand. I'm just starting to see a change on the small screen but the big screen is a tough nut to crack.

What he's thinking (secretly)

Men don’t typically talk about relationships in the first place, and we got to keep probing them to actually talk and tell us what they’re thinking. So what’s really going on at the back of their minds? Do they actually ever tell us what they are really thinking? And are men really as nice as they seem or do their thoughts break that nice image you had of them?

We got a few guys to admit what they’re REALLY thinking about, even when they’ve got doting smiles pasted on their faces.


Yes, you do look fat!

So the next time you ask your boyfriend/husband if you look fat and he says no, he’s only trying to save himself from the drama. The worst question you could ask a guy who doesn’t lie well is this, he’ll probably choke on his own spit.

“I hate it when my girlfriend asks me over and over again if she looks fat in this or that! One day I’ll get so tired of it all and actually tell her that she’s fat and none of the outfits are going to make her thinner!” – Andrew Mulli, 23, sound engineer

OMG! She looks like a drag queen

Always keep in mind that minimal make up works best when you’re going out with your boyfriend/husband or any guy for that matter. Guys like the natural look and just don’t get why you wear so much makeup when you don’t need it. They tend to think it’s too much effort for a job not well done. So you don’t really get his approval anyway!

“Too much make up on women is the biggest put off ever! I do not want to walk around with someone who looks like a hooker. The worst part is knowing you can’t say anything because it might hurt her feelings but I completely hate it.” – Dhruv Shah, 28, computer programmer

She’s taking two hours to dress and it’s not going to make a difference

It’s absolutely alright to take that long to get ready for your wedding or even your birthday, but guys just don’t get why you take so long to get dressed up, straighten your hair or curl it just to go to a coffee shop. We get it but they totally don’t.

“It’s very annoying when a girl takes forever to go to a place where she doesn’t even need to be dressy. I mean if she wants to look good she can, but it’s just going to annoy me that she’s taking too long and that every other guy is checking her out, so it’s not like I’ll even compliment her .’ – David Lobo, 22, gaming designer

Her friend is the biggest loser ever

That really close guy friend of yours who you think he likes hanging out with just happens to be someone who he thinks is the biggest looser ever! And he’s only nice to him because of you. He’d probably bully the guy if he didn’t know him. And that’s not all; he makes fun of him in front of his own friends (when you’re not around). Oh yeah, and he doesn’t like the fact you’re so close to him as well.

‘Honestly, I think my girlfriend’s friends are completely boring. Their idea of fun is staying out till 11pm and the worst part is that I have to mix with them most of the time, especially her best friend who thinks he knows her in and out and acts like he’s the most important thing in her life. He drives me crazy and I can’t stand him but I really can’t say anything to her.’ – Jessie Hertz, 22, dance instructor

Marriage? You mean I have to sleep with you for the rest of my life?

You might love weddings, but the minute you mention the M-word to him, this is what’s going on at the back of his mind! Men get scared of commitment, the thought of having sex with the same person for the rest of their lives them.

‘I get really freaked out when my girlfriend starts talking about marriage and weddings and kids. I don’t know what to say after that, because it’s really scary. Firstly, I’m not ready to get married and even though I love her, it just reminds me that all my freedom will be lost.’ Kishan Somwanshi, 22, MBA Student

‘Don’t call me a jerk but I really can’t imagine being tied town and sticking to the same person for the rest of my life. Whenever a girl I’m dating talks about marriage, I loose it completely in my head, sex with the same person can get extremely boring.’ – Neeraj Patel, 25, lighting designer

Go slow for a change, and be willing to try new things before I get bored and sleep with someone else

Men do love your wild side when you’re in bed, but they also love it when you go slow. Not trying new things in bed is a no-no. Openness to experimenting is crucial to them and doing the same thing every time bores them completely. Telling you they’re getting bored will probably shatter your ego so they just keep quite.

‘If a woman is not open to new things, it just gets really boring. And let’s face it; sex is important in a relationship, that’s why sex counselors exist. If the sex is boring, it dampens the relationship so I’d rather just move on to another woman.’ – Hemal Chopra, 29, assistant director

10 Tips on How to Kiss

Wanna perfect your French kissing technique, or just want the basics on how to kiss for the first time? Follow these kissing tips the next time you're ready to smooch.
1. Find the Right Time to Kiss
The best time for a first kiss is when you're alone, there's a pause in the conversation and you're both looking into each other's eyes. Help make this moment happen by finding a way to get away from the crowd, standing or sitting close to your partner, making eye contact and letting the convo come to a natural breaking point. You'll both know when the moment is right.
2. Don't Obsess About Your Breath
Your breath doesn't need to be any more minty fresh than your kissing partner's. (For instance, if you both just had dinner together and ate equally garlicky meals, you'll be fine.) Bring some mints with you, but don't pop them obsessively. It's not necessary and it'll make you look over-eager.
3. Start With Your Lips
The first thing that comes to mind when you think about french kissing is tongue, but that shouldn't come right away - you'll have to ease into it. Start just by lightly kissing their lips (either their top lip, their bottom lip or both) with yours.
4. Don't Make Your Tongue the Star of the Show
A kiss without any tongue at all is perfectly fine. But if you want to take it to the next level, open your mouth a little wider, gently touch your tongue against theirs, and let the tips of your tongues "play around" together. Don't do much more than that, though. When it comes to tongue, a little goes a long way.
5. Use Your Hands Wisely
The best spots to place your hands are around your partner's neck or waist, on the back of your partner's head, or if you want to be extra-romantic, against your partner's cheeks. Never just leave them by your side! That would be a total waste.
6. Don't Forget to Breathe
Take regular breaks to pull away and look into your partner's eyes. It'll give you a chance to catch your breath and share a smile.
7. Mix It Up
Don't leave your lips or your tongue in the same spot for more than a couple of seconds. The initial excitement of a first kiss is thrilling, but things can get boring awfully quickly if you don't vary your style a little.
8. When In Doubt, Follow Their Lead
You don't need to be an expert on kissing to share a great kiss. If you're not sure what to do, just let your partner take over and go with the flow. As long as the two of you like each other and are concentrating on the magic of the moment, it'll go great.
9. It's Okay to Laugh
You might be tempted to laugh or make a little joke to ease the tension or hide some your nervousness. Go for it. Your partner's probably just as nervous as you are, and it'll ease the tension for them, too.
10. Know When to End It
If this is your first time kissing this person, keep things brief. There'll be plenty more chances to kiss, and you want to leave them dying to lock lips with you the next time.

Professional Makeup Tips

To day we teach you the art of applying you make-up successfully in short time. Follow the given steps and you get ready with in 15 minute. These 8 steps speed up your daily routine make-up. Thing’s you need to complete you make-up foundation, eye shadow, mascara, blush brush, face powder, blush, waterproof mascaras, lipstick, lip gloss and eye shadow.

First of all use concealer to mask up the dark circles and pimples. Concealer must one shade lighter then the foundation that you are going to use. Do this on pimples and dark circles and blend with fingers or sponge can be used.

Pick the foundation that has closely resemblance with your skin tone. Apply the foundation in dots over the face and spread it on your whole face with makeup sponge or with your fingers until it cover your whole face smoothly.

To keep your foundation and concealer for long time use a pressed powder. Use pressed powder to touch up when you are away from home.

Light, medium and dark chose three colors. There are many variations on eye shadow application techniques. Use the lightest shade for the area under the eyebrow and medium shade for the crease and the dark one to lime up your upper eyelid.

Next step is to apply the eyeliner. You can use eyeliner pencil, thin liner brush, cake eyeliner with a damp line the lower lid below the lashes. Line only the outer part of the lower lid, or all the way across if you’re trying to achieve a darker look. Line all the way across the upper lid or start the line where your lashes begin.

Apply mascara to upper and lower lashes, in two thin coats. Choose brown mascara if your coloring is fair; black or brown-black works well for darker coloring. Or you can also try colored mascara such as navy or plum, but don’t go too bright if you want to be taken seriously.

ine lips first and then apply the lipstick color that’s suited to your skin tone and that’s perfect for your day look also. You can also use mixture of colors to apply the lipstick according to your mood.