Why Do Some Men Deny Masturbating?

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): Are you serious? I've never met a man who denied masturbating. Ever. In this or any previous life. If I did, I would get the hell away from him as soon as possible, because the only explanation would be that he was an ax murderer with a shrine to Brittany Murphy in his bedroom, with someone's severed head on top.

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Comedians who break taboos talk about it, but the rest of us try to avoid the subject. In school you could never have admitted to buffing the banana, because it would have been like telling the whole 8th grade class you have body lice and skid marks. Goodbye friends, hello nicknames! In hindsight it seems like giving yourself a low-five would have been something to brag about -- like growing facial hair -- but we didn't get any guidance from parents, friends, or the media. Maybe it's religious shame still choking our society: on TV, everyone's getting laid, but nobody jerks off. So until that taboo is lifted, we'll continue to deny that we punch the munchkin, butter the corn, shake hands with the midget, or pat the robertson.

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): Until maybe very recently, nearly all depictions of male masturbation have made it seem like the most disgustingly pervy, unhealthy, immature, and (worst of all) desperate thing a man can do. For instance, think about the archetypical dirty old man in a trench coat, or the loser characters in Fast Times at Ridgemont High or Something About Mary. When men in relationships do it, they or their partners often see it as "cheating." Theologically, masturbation has been held to be a worse sin (a mortal sin with automatic damnation) than rape (a venal sin that can be repented!). Medically, masturbation was until very recently believed, no kidding, to lead to insanity and early death. Legally, it's historically been punished the same way sodomy was -- with floggings, branding, and even hanging! Politically, just a few years ago the U.S. Surgeon General was fired for suggesting it was okay for adolescents to learn about in sex ed. Even today, the fact that every heterosexual porn scene ends with the male actors rubbing out a "money shot" doesn't make us feel more like admitting it. And that's just the short answer! In retrospect, all that hoopla to discourage male masturbation seems foolish, as does the similar discouragement women got. Even though the stigma's evaporating pretty quickly, it's understandable that a lot of men -- and a lot of women -- are still reluctant to admit to it.